Why am I agnostic?

 The question of whether there is a God, who is he, and what does he want is probably the single most important question facing us. For most it probably isn't a question..... I feel like very few people question whether what most people around them believe is true. So, how did I come to question traditional Christian beliefs? I was brought up believing that Christianity was true. We were not always regular church attendees but my aunt who was a Catholic took me to mass many times and my mother always told me that God was real. I started attending a Quaker church with my parents when I was in fourth grade (I think) and we went until I was in the sixth grade. That is not exactly a huge stretch of time but I learned the Bible stories in Sunday morning service and Sunday School. This was far more to my liking than the Catholic mass I had attended with my aunt. So... I had a general belief in Christianity but it wasn't ingrained in me as it is in those whose whole existence has been one centered around Christian belief.

Then, when I was 21, my aunt died. This is the lady I mentioned above who took me to Catholic mass. To say she was my aunt is to understate the relationship. My aunt could not have children of her own so she started taking care of me when I was 6 weeks old....as soon as my mother went back to work from maternity leave.  This wasn't a job for my aunt this was a way for her to have a child. My parents paid her insanely little and I do believe with the food, toys, birthday and Christmas gifts she and my uncle gave me that they probably lost money on this deal. But like I said, this wasn't about money for her. She was like a second mother to me. I went to her house 5 days a week from the time I was 6 weeks old until I was 14 (my parents didn't trust me not to burn the house down....with good reason). When my aunt died I was shocked, stunned, and grief stricken. My aunt was not that old.... she went to sleep and an aneurysm killed her. She had not been sick..... I didn't see it coming. I was 21 but no one truly close to me had ever died. I was born when my parents were only teenagers so my family was pretty young. After I dealt with the grief, I had to deal with a loss of innocence. Death is real.... it truly happens. I mean....intellectually I knew that it was but what 21 year old thinks about their mortality? I know one who did-me. I became very disturbed that one day I would be the one in that box....It wouldn't be for a long time but I could not escape it. It would happen. I decided that the only way for death to not scare me was through an unquestioning faith that there is something beyond death. I decided to read the Bible for the first time ever. As I mentioned above, I had heard the stories but they weren't so ingrained in me that I read the texts unquestioningly. I began....at the beginning....where else? Genesis. I began to read and I found some things here and there that didn't seem like truth to me.... they just seemed like the stories of primitive people. The more I read the more convinced I was that these were just the stories of people wanting to believe that their hardships had meaning and that their victories were because God liked them better than everyone else. I didn't make it all the way through and instead of instilling faith in me, reading the Bible had caused me to become agnostic..... I do not know who God is or what he wants. I do believe (most of the time) that there is a God. We believe the universe had a beginning... nothing that is natural can be created from nothing by no one. The universe had a beginning...it must've had a creator. If there was a ball of gas that expanded in the Big Bang then what created the ball of gas? If you figure out what created the ball of gas then what created the thing that created the ball of gas? And......that could go on for a bit but eventually you come to an uncaused first cause which is impossible and unavoidable at the same time.....it would have to be supernatural.... God. There you have it.... I am agnostic and not particularly happy about it. It has been years since I went back to this question and it is time to do so. I will be using Lee Stoebel's videos and web site for info and am reading "The Apologetics Study Bible". I am going to read and blog on my thoughts as I do. I am hoping that I will get some comments from bright people telling me how I have it wrong when I see things as problematic. I hope not to offend anyone...this is for me and....well..... here is what has me motivated now. My oldest son is almost 17 and he thinks a lot like me. I am afraid from the conversations we have had that he is coming to the same place that I am....which is agnostic. If Christianity is true than the worst thing I can do is to influence him away from it. Thanks for reading.... I hope it wasn't too boring. I will do some reading in the next few days and then blog some more.